Restart and Refresh

The last time I entered an entry for this blog I was trying to lose the baby weight from Leah. I didn't succeed. I failed horribly. In fact, I managed to only lose twenty pounds and then found out I was pregnant with baby number two!

Fast-forward nine months and I am in the same place I was almost two years ago!! Holy crap...The only difference now is that I am thirty as of five days ago, I work much longer hours, and I have two daughters under two. I can pretend and make up excuses as to why I didn't follow through with my blog or why I didn't have more success dropping the weight, but in the words of a friend's husband, "excuses are like assholes--only shit comes out of them." And that pretty much sums up how I feel about making excuses for myself.

So....I am here again to try it again. I am thirty. I am embarking on a new decade with new possibilities. I also have two daughters know who need to have a role model in their lives who does not have issues with food and who lives a healthy and active life. I as the same-sex parent know this person is me. I also know that I cannot put a ton of pressure on myself to accomplish everything because I tend to do this and then I run out of steam or hit a brick wall because I tried to take on too much too soon. So here is my basic plan for the next month. As of 11/1 I will be 2 weeks post c-section and still in recovery mode so my exercise is limited but these are the activities I can start:

Walk everyday on treadmill for 20-40 minutes at a comfortable pace.
Clean up my diet and remove diary (baby 2 has a protein sensitivity) and other simple carbs and sugars
Log my meals with calories here daily (if nothing else) and post entries that describe my feelings, workouts, and meals.
Track my weight loss and record my future race times as I plan on entering several 5k and 10k races in the next six months.

Recovering from a c-section means that I will have to take it more slowly in the beginning and in the past this would have discouraged me, but I think I have finally come to understand that sustainable weight-loss is about putting one foot in front of the other and not worry about the end result because it's a journey.

Where Have I Been....

Lost. It seems like these last few weeks flew by and my motivation to blog or write about baby related things or life in general was not there despite some really awesome things happening like the purchase of our new treadmill and Leah's smiles. Oh well. I will have to upload and comment on those later.

Things around my house have been hectic, but when are they not? Leah is still resisiting sleeping at night. I have purchased a book that directs me to be very strict with her and myself in setting up a routine before bed. I try. I bathe her, change her, swaddle her, feed her and then put her to sleep "drowsy, but awake". This routine takes me 2 hours to finish! Then Leah will fall asleep for about an hour and wake up again ready to eat and repeat said process. Sometime after 1am I give up and strap her little butt in the swing and crash on the couch. I feel my teeth clenching just thinking about the frustration. I can't even say that it's because she is still so young (she is 9 weeks already) or that she is sleeping during the day too much because she only slept about 4 hours yesterday. So...I'm lost.

I Joined Weight Watchers

Today I stepped on the scale. I knew I gained weight during pregnancy but I didn't realize I gained 50 pounds. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. What the heck did I do? What did I eat to cause me to feel like the size of a mini-van? I mean sure I knew that I wasn't close to being my ideal weight because I just had a baby, but I had no idea that I was this far from being healthy. I didn't just let the ball drop on this one, I hurled the ball to the ground in one strong throw. Wow. I needed to think about this. I needed to allow myself to be upset that I pushed my body this far from fitting into a pair of jeans a size you can actually say aloud. Why did I allow myself to hide in my comfy maternity pants and sweats for so long? Fear. Yup. I was afraid of this moment right here when I had to sit down with the number and own it.

My biggest weakness is lack of accountability and control. I thought about what I ate yesterday and realized that I eat too much at each meal. I have allowed myself to eat like this so often and for so long that I forgot what a healthy portion size looks like. I forgot that a portion size of meat is only about the size of your palm or 4 oz. I realize now that this whole time I have been overeating and never really thinking about the sheer amount of food I was consuming.

Now yes, pregnancy does call for an increase in calories, but it doesn't call for what I did. If I kept going like this my daughter would have a very overweight and unhealthy mom. I never want her to have to worry about me like I did with my parents growing up so I am stopping this madness today. I took a much needed step and joined Weight Watcher online and am tracking my food and weight as of today.

I'm not happy that I have to rely on a service to help me maintain better eating habits, but it's better than sitting around complaining about my weight and not taking action. I am hoping that with the help of Weight Watchers and my former workout habits I will be in even better shape by the summer. I am also going to sign myself up for a couple of 5k and 10k races for the spring/summer to help me stay motivated with running. I will keep updating on my progress with this as I will need the encouragement and outlet for reflection and accountability.

Picture Time Picture Time

So my husband is obessessed with taking pictures of Leah. He has recently accquired an impressive camera and tripod and loves to spend hours taking random pictures in an attempt to learn photography. Here is some evidence of his learning:







All I can say is why doesn't he fix this child's hair before taking her photos. Poor baby Leah, Daddy doesn't know how important good hair is to a girl.

The Solution

Leah finally made it back to her somewhat normal sleeping schedule. Meaning Todd and I were able to sleep from 11:30pm until 2:30am and then from 3:00am until 7:00am! Sweet!! I feel like a new woman now that I actually had stretches of uninterrupted sleep. I felt like I was given a giant gift; it was almost better than sex!

The solution was gas drops and the use of an anti-colic bottle for when Todd fed Leah at 3am. I do breastfeed Leah, but I allow Todd to fed the little one pumped milk so I can get some rest.

In other exciting news, today I am going to go to the gym. I have my MIL coming over to watch Leah as I get my postpartum butt in shape. I can't do anything besides walk on the treadmill because I haven't been to my six week appointment, but still it's something. At least I feel like I am making some progress and for me it's a big accomplishment considering these last couple of days I felt like my legs might give out and I would crumble to floor in one giant sloppy mess of exhaustion. So this is a treat for me because it will give me some much needed alone time that I don't get much of these days except for the ten minutes of shower time that I manage to squeeze in between Leah's feedings and life.

Round Two

We had another horrible night. Leah was "colicky" again and therefore so was I today. Despite my cranky mood I did manage to get to grocery store and buy some much needed supplies and vaccumed my downstairs. Oh and I also made the bed (that we did not sleep in because we camped out on couch again so Leah could rock her night away in her swing). So I'm saying that today was a good day because I'm still standing after two nights of no sleep.

Horrible Night

Now I know that with newborns moms are expected to understand that there will be days and nights were you question your sanity. Last night though was beyond just questioning my sanity. I believe that I teetered on the edge of insanity as I had a major meltdown at 3:30am on my living room floor because Leah would not stop crying. Normally I would not have minded so much, but nothing, I repeat, nothing was able to calm her down. Not even the tried-and-true Lamby Swing that quiets her down in 2.2 seconds flat.

Instead I found myself jumping from one remedy to another in a bleary-eyed desultory state that left me racked with frustration. The main culprit of Leah's discomfort, you ask? I have no idea. I want to say it was gas or constipation, but I can't be sure. I think I could have convinced myself it was gas last night in hopes that there would be an end to the screaming and crying. I could have told myself anything at that point last night. Someone could have said that it was because she was allergic to the color beige and in twelve days after drinking apple juice mixed with ketchup the color beige would stop upsetting her and I swear to god I would have believed that. Really I would have because it would have meant that someone had an answer for me that would end my misery.

But alas I have no answer. No real answer. I have my speculations that I ate onions and this caused her to have gas, but I have no proof. So I'm waiting. I'm anxiously awaiting tonight (because Leah has been passed out today due to her formidable exertion and thus stopped screaming) and I'm hoping that whatever caused last night's torment is not a repeat offender.